Christmas and New Years

I know it is a little late for a Christmas and even a New Years blog, but I've been busy and or lazy and I didn't want to miss out on getting some of my thoughts down regarding the holidays.

Christmas was quiet and peaceful.  All of my girls were here and Kate and I had the whole four days off that Judy and Rachel were here.  By the way Kate just graduated (again) this time with a Bachelor of Nursing.  After taking boards she will have an RN, with a BSN.  She will then out rank her mother.  We didn't exchange presents at Christmas (a new tradition) because everyone is broke and it just adds to the stress.  I did receive gifts from three special people.  My roommate, Kim gave me a beautiful centerpiece for the table, (pictured above)  Susan sent me a bottle of Virginia hard apple cider for me to taste test and Judy sent me the Cake Doctor Bakes Gluten Free.

We spent most of the time indoors playing games, watching TV and of course eating.  As Kate put it so well, "We all lead really busy lives, it is nice to just relax for a few days with no agenda."

We didn't even do much cooking.  What we did cook was from Women of Great Taste.  The baked potato soup which I should quadruple rather than just double.  This year not only was it vegetarian, but gluten free as well.  Turned out great.  The Apple muffins on the other hand Christmas morning were less successful.   Rachel has made some successful gluten free cup cakes, but these didn't want to stick together.  A few days later, I made a pretty good bread pudding out of them, using the Caramel sauce from the apple cake in the book.  On Christmas evening we had the enchiladas complicated by making some of them vegetarian and some of them with gluten free tortillas.  Turned out yummy.  And finally we made the white chili.  We had sent Kate to the store but she didn't understand I wanted 4 cans of Great Northern beans and instead got 4 bags of dried beans.  The dried beans worked when when soaked and cooked and you can never have too many beans in the house. 

I was very sorry to see the kids leave and wish we all live much closer together.  One of my plans for this year is to see more of Kate now that she is no longer in school.

I did not make any New Years resolutions this year and for me that is most unusual.  I think the reason for that is that I am very content with my life.  I am in a much different place this year than last.  I've connecting with people I want to connect with and I actually had a New Year's Eve date.  I am feeling pretty good about myself these days. Yes I want to continue my weight loss and write more, photograph more and connect more with the people I love.   But life is good.  Happy New Years to all.

Hard Cider

Yesterday because our patient census is low, I only worked 1/2 shift.  When I got home I lay down for a nap but the phone rang after about an hour and I couldn't go back to sleep.  I guess an hour is the right amount for a nap anyway. 

There are changes going on in my life.  Good changes.  Not long ago I would have been content to spend a quiet evening at home watching what ever T.V. show I had recorded or maybe check out the movies on my cable.  This is especially true during the winter when it is dark and cold outside.  Yesterday, however, I was feeling restless so I bundled up and walked to my favorite neighborhood bar and grill, Rockwell's.  The waitress is from Missouri and she remembered me, even what I order (the chopped chicken salad) and what dressing I like.  I love going to places where they know me. 

 Recently, I have been trying to find a drink to call my own.  I don't like beer and I can't drink it anyway because of the gluten.  I use to order Amaretto Sours but I find that they are inconsistent.  Besides I tend to drink them very fast and  have several which can get expensive. 

If you read my last blog, you know I bought my roommate some hard cider for taking care of my cats while I was away on vacation, though I think I ended up drinking more of it than she did.  Most of the package places around here and the grocery store carry Wood Chuck which comes from Vermont.  I didn't realize that there were other brands of hard cider until the other night when I was out with a friend  and got a cider called Crispin. Very dry and very, very good.  Much different than Wood Chuck.  So I decided to do some research both on the Internet and of coarse, do some personal taste tests.


Hard cider results from the fermentation of apple juice. Making hard cider is similar to wine making in many respects and easier to make than beer according to one article.  While Cider was once the most popular alcoholic drink in the nation, it all but but died out during Prohibition.  Wood Chuck is one of the earliest modern domestic ciders, appearing on the scene in the 1990's. Wikapedia lists about 35 different brands, domestic and imported.  With in those brands there are often several varieties.

Crispin is made in California from west coast apples.  It is a new company, started in 2008 founded by Joe Heron. “I started looking around around at domestic cider, and it was of really poor quality. Really sweet. You had these traditional sweet brands like Woodchuck or Hornsby’s that weren’t very good. People knew about cider, but nobody was really doing anything to get people to reconsider cider.”  Crispin is trying to raise the bar for cider, fermenting fresh apples juice rather than apple juice from concentrate. 

At Rockwell's when I ordered a hard cider, I received Original Sin from New York.  The alcohol content was a little higher than the Wood Chuck at 6%.  Original Sin has been around since 1997 and has won several awards.  I didn't like it.  I drank it, but I didn't  like it.

I was telling my friend, Carrie, at work about my research.and she, being Irish said she liked an Irish cider, Magners.  So after I got through with my supper and my cider at Rockwell's, I walked down a ways to an Irish Pub and sure enough they had bottled Magners  (Apparently some places have it on tap.) 

Magners, only Irish Cider distributed in the United States has been in production since 1935.  The website says that they use over 17 varieties of apples and after fermenting lets their cider mature for up to 2 years.  I liked the Magner much better than the Original Sin.

Just before I got to the pub, my brother, Bill, called so while I was sitting at the bar, sipping my cider, we had a long conversation about life and memories and religion.  It made my evening.

After the pub, I walked about mile in the other direction to a package liquor store to replenish our supply of Wood Chuck.  The temperature was only 13 degrees but it really didn't seem that cold while I was out and about.  Maybe the alcohol helped, maybe talking to Bill, maybe just walking, getting rid of my restlessness.  I will continue to do my research.  So far my favorite is Crispin.

Vacation

I went on vacation. For me vacations are not about the places we go but the people we see.  I think I get this from my mother.  Although we went to a lot of places as kids, it was almost always on the way to see family and it was about our family spending time together away from the everyday life that pulled us apart.  As a child I did not always appreciate being separated form my friends for extended periods during the summer but now, I wouldn't trade the memories for anything in the world.

So on my vacation, I drove to Kansas City, Springfield, MO, Bentonville AK, and St. Louis to see daughters, sisters, nieces, brother-in-law and a couple of long time friends.  Because I don't own a car and drive much it is always fun to rent a car and get on the road.  For two weeks I could pretend I owned the red Jeep I've always wanted.  I find driving for the most part to be relaxing though Judy and Rachel might now agree riding as passengers.

But what I have noticed over the years when I go on vacation and then return to my normal everyday life is that I am ready for change.  I think the relaxation spurs me to reexamine my life and I find things I need to improve.  I have made a lot of changes over the last year and coming back to real life I began to feel overwhelmed by all the things I was trying to do:  make new friends, date, work more, and of coarse the usual, write, lose weight, and keep my house clean.  I felt I was needing a new way to keep it all in perspective.  I have also over the years complained that although I feel I have made enormous internal changes, my behavior really hasn't changed much.

The Buddha said "When the student is ready, the teacher will come."  I have found this to be absolutely true over my life.  And I believe it is true now.

A prevalent movement in psychology has been Cognitive Therapy.  When I started as a psychiatric nurse over 30 years ago I studied it and I am still teaching it to my patients today.  Cognitive therapy is the idea that our thoughts control our emotions and not the other way around.  If you can change your thinking then you can change your emotions.  For instance if you are in school and you flunk a test, how you feel about that is dependent on how you think about it.  If you say to your self, "I knew I was never going to make it in college.  I knew I was dumb and stupid," you are going to feel much different than if you say to yourself "this is just one test.  Now I know what the instructor is looking for and I will buckle down and work really hard for the next test."  I have used this technique frequently over the years and it has helped me dismiss much depressive thinking.

A newer model to western psychology comes from eastern philosophy:  Mindfulness.  In a nut shell, this idea says that thoughts are not good or bad.  They are just thoughts.  You don't need to change them, you just need to observe them, and then let them float away with out letting them effect you.  I find Mindfulness to be a much more difficult practice.  The idea is to live in the moment and not the past or the future.  In both models the important thing is to be aware of your thoughts.  Cognitive focuses on them, Mindfulness wants you not to focus on them.  Mindfulness would really like to to think less and just enjoy the moment.  Hard, hard to do.

But as I was doing research into mindfulness on Sunday when the unit was very quiet and I had down time, I came across a link to another idea that I think falls somewhere in between and makes sense to me.

A woman named Byron Katie had been depressed for a long time, sometimes to the extent of not being able to get out of bed for long periods of time.  One day she had a thought that changed her life.  "The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is."  Its not that the thought is bad it is just that we hang on to them and believe them to be true.  As usual I am way behind.  Her book was published in 2002.  She says that there are only 3 kinds of business.  Your business, other people's business and God's business which she defines as reality.  And we only need to deal with our business and at some point we don't have to deal with that either because it takes care of itself.  At work on Sunday, I had printed out an excerpt from her book and read it on my train ride home. 

While I was on vacation, my roommate, Kim, was kind enough to take care of the cats.  I wanted to get her something for her efforts and I remembered that she likes hard cider.   So on Sunday I got off the train at a stop after mine to go to the liquor store to get the cider.  When I walked in, there were two men standing and talking to each other.  They appeared to work there but ignored me when I walked in.  I wanted someone to come up to me and ask to help me.  It didn't happen.  It is a large store. I looked around but started to become frustrated and angry because I didn't have a clue where to start.  What were the thoughts going through my head?  Maybe that I am stupid because I can't find what I'm looking for.  I'm not important enough for someone to help me.  If those guys were at all helpful they would sell more stuff, what dummies.  Probably something along those lines.  But then I stopped and remembered what I had just been reading.  The reality was that I was in a liquor store looking for some hard cider.  Nothing more nothing less.  My mind cleared and I simply went over to the gentlemen asked them if they worked there and if they had hard cider.  They did and they did, and one of them took me over to where it was.  My suffering was ended and I accomplished my goal.  Very simple. 

I don't know yet how this is going to translate to all areas of my life.  I am going to buy her book today.  My belief is that if I can get away from all the distorted thinking that I have and embrace reality maybe the behavior changes I want to make (writing more, eating less, cleaning my house, enjoying my new friends, managing my money better will all fall into place.   I will keep you posted.

Pumpkin Custard

For those of you that read my blog on a regular basis, you know that I am gluten free and that I am not crazy about process foods though I don't follow my convictions 100% of the time.  (Maybe 50%)  I haven't been in a cooking mood lately so I was at the store yesterday looking for gluten free packaged food I could take to work, so I wouldn't be temped to buy cafeteria food, or overpriced food from Au Bon Pain.  I found some lentils in a tomato cream sauce  in a microwaveable pouch.  The package doesn't say it is gluten free, but the ingredients all look good and wheat is not listed as an allergen.  Two ingredients that I didn't recognize, asafetida and fenugreek leaves.  Wikipedia says that asafetida is a spice that is suppose to decrease flatulence.  Fenugreek is an herb in the leaf form and a spice seed form.  Often used in curries.  No preservatives. 

Much of the packaged foods either use noodles or pastas of some sort or use wheat in the processing. Then I saw the Hamburger Helper.  I haven't bought Hamburger Helper since the girls were small, or not so small but anyway not for a long time.  On two of the packages in bold letters were the words GLUTEN FREE.  I strongly believe I should support manufacturers who are making an effort to help me with my dietary needs.  The one I bought was beef fried rice.  They simply took ingredients that are naturally gluten free (beef, rice, vegetables) and did not add any wheat or gluten in the processing.

I made the Hamburger Helper for lunch today thinking I would take the left overs to work tomorrow.  Gluten free or not, it was terrible.  I use to eat this stuff on a regular basis.  I don't think I liked it then either, but it was quick, easy and cheep.  I remember when Rachel first became a vegetarian, I would feed her hamburger helper without the hamburger.  She would also order McDonald's cheeseburgers with out the meat.  She has since graduated to Capuchino Brownies (from Women of Great Taste) laced with cannabis.  (The cannabis is an add in.)  I didn't realize there is a whole process to doing that.  I thought you just tore up the leaves and threw them in.  At least someone is cooking from the book.  But I digress.

So I will nix the Hamburger Helper on the next trip to the store and instead op for my mother's goulash using gluten free pasta.  Right now I am baking a pumpkin pie sans crust.  Let's call it a pumpkin custard.

Friendship

Yesterday I met an interesting woman named Beatrice.  We met for coffee at Panera with a new friend of mine, Toby.  Beatrice was born in Germany and then immigrated to the United States as a young adult.  She was talking about the differences between the two countries and one thing especially struck me.  She said that in America a great deal of emphasis is placed on family.  In Germany she said, after you grow up you replace your family with friends.  Friends become your primary focus.  I thought that was interesting.  I don't think it is a universal rule here because not everyone is close to their families usually due to dysfunctions, but for the most part I think yes.  I certainly know that is the case for me, both my family of origin and my children.  I have put much less importance on friendship.  The unfortunate part is that my family is scattered across the country and cannot meet my everyday needs of connection.

My father once told me that his biggest regret was not keeping the friends that had come into his life.  When I think about the people who have passed though my life, the ones I remember and the ones I don't, I know exactly what he meant.  Of all the thousands of people I have know, and the many I have counted as friends there are only 3 that I still have contact with and only one on a regular basis.  The problem with not hanging on to friends is that you have to keep making new ones (if you want to have friends.) 

In grade school, middle school and high school, making friends was easy.  College was a little harder for me but still easier than real life.  It turns out that there is a reason for that.  You saw the same people every day and being in consistent close proximity fosters friendships.  It is the same for the work place.  When I think about it, I have had very few friends over my life time that were not in school with me or worked with me.

Part of my problem as and adult with making and keeping friends has been that I was looking for that same connection that I had had in grade school and high school.  The intensity.  The best friend.  As a child and adolescent I talked to my friends on the phone at least once every day and usually more often.  We spent the night together.  We hung out at least several times a week and saw each other everyday at school.  But when you get out of school, life is different.  You have work and family and other obligations and it is easy for things to get in the way.  You may see work friends every day but it is not the same.  They have families and obligations of their own. 

The first time I went to therapy, I was a young woman with young children.  What I discovered rather early on in the therapy was that I was extremely lonely.  My therapist asked me what I had to offer other people and I could not come up with the answer.  She finally had to tell me that in friendships the only thing you have to offer is yourself.  But that, that is enough.  I think I understood that as a child, as an adult I forgot.  As with most of life, remembering what we instinctively knew as children is important  But we also have to make adult changes.  I have had to learn how to accept friendships in what ever form or frequency they take. 

It turns out that when you get older (and I am really talking about women here) you need to replace that one or two best friends with many friends.  One person can no long satisfy all your needs.  There isn't enough time.  Some experts say you need five close friends and some say seven.  But you need more than one.

I have been very lucky this past year in finding a girl friend, Charlotte, that I feel closer to than I have felt to anyone in a very long time.  And because of that friendship I find myself wanting more.  So I went looking.

First, I posted an ad on Craig's list.  I got several responses, met a couple of women but didn't make a connection with either.  And then I found a website called Girlfriendcircles.com.  Shasta, the founder understands how hard it is for women to make quality friendships and she has done something about it.

 Next blog:  Girlfriendcircles and the science behind women friendships.

Ravenswood Artwalk

Ravenswood is both a street in Chicago and a neighborhood.  Officially Ravenswood (according to the realestate chatter) is part of the Lincoln Square area of Chicago.  Mostly residential, there is a corridor along  Ravenswood street that is home to art galleries and studios as well as small industry. The art walk is a yearly event and this year launched the 15th annual Chicago art month.  Unlike the art ffestival I attended earlier in the summer this one is strictly limited to the local artists that have studios in the area.  There were demonstrations and free classes in everything from silk screening to pottery and puppetry.  Because I am not a planner I was never quite in the right place at the right time.  But I enjoy seeing the individual work and talking with the artists.

A friend of mine at work is taking a pottery class and I think it would be fun to do.  One of the artists showed me the different looks of the pottery she makes as it dries and before it is fired and after it is fired before it is glazed and then of coarse the final product.  I especially loved the ceramic tiles and wall decorations. 

One woman had some very unique and pricey jewelry that I would love to have.  Lots of painters and photographers.  The main reason I went to the art walk in the first place was I received an invitation from a woman that I had taken photography classes from.  I get invitations from time to time from her but  have never made an event until today.  To my surprise I was more than just a email address.  She remembered me and even my name.  Lejean teaches art in the school system during the day, teaches photography in the evenings, works for Bella Babies (the company I worked for for a short time) on the weekends, and some how finds time to do her own work.

What I found most compelling about the day was seeing people's need to be express them selves in what every medium they choose.  For many of these people this is their full time jobs, supplemented it with teaching others to express them selves as well.  I don't know if anyone was buying today but it is nice to know that arts continue to flourish even in a terrible economy. 

Hibiscus tea

I have been pretty much addicted to soda (pop, coke) since my early college days.  I was working at a small diner and we could have all the fountain drinks we wanted.  An endless fountain of sweet liquid to drown out how much I hated the job.  I finally quit the job but not the addiction.  There have been times in my life where I would finish a 2 liter of Pepsi in an afternoon.  And start another one for the evening.

From time to time I have switched to diet soda but have always felt that aspartame is probably worse for me than sugar.  I also notice that when I drink diet soda (or regular soda) my water consumption goes down and my craving for sweets goes up.  The longest I've ever gone with out soda was about 6 months.  For some reason I decided (like an alcoholic) I could have just one and I was right back on the addiction wagon.

Part of the problem is that while I actually like water, I get tired of it.  I want something else to drink.  I can drink juice which at least has some vitamins but the calorie count is the same as soda and whole fruit is better.  At least with juice I don't drink two liters but still 16 oz is really too much. 

I have never learned to drink coffee.  I have never liked tea.  As a kid when dad would barbecue outside in the summer time and mom would fix iced tea, I would sneak into the liquor cabinet and get a coke to pour into my glass.  The color was a little darker but I guess no one noticed.  Half ice tea and half lemonade was a pretty good drink I found later on but still too high in calories.  Part of the problem when you are over weight is that you aren't eating or drinking for the taste of something.  If you were, you would be satisfied with just a glass of what ever and that would be fine.

My writers group meets every week at Argo Tea.  You can't just sit there and not order something (you could but that isn't very polite) so I tried the green tea and the black tea with out much success.  I don't even like tea with honey or sugar.  And then I tried the hibiscus tea in their signature drink Tea Sangria.  I know it has fruit and hibiscus tea but I'm not sure what else.  111 calories or 2 points for a 16oz drink and part of that may be the fruit.  It tastes like it might be sweetened.  But it is very yummy.  I also like their hibiscus steamer which is hibiscus and apple cider.

So I bought some tea to bring home.  It is a mixture of hibiscus and dried apple.  I make it every morning at home or work, drink it hot or cold.  I was sweetening it with a little fruit juice and then a little honey.  This morning I drank it with out sweetener and it tasted great. 

It turns out that hibiscus tea is reportedly very healthy.  It supposedly lowers blood pressure and may help with weight loss. For me, it is a nice naturally low calorie drink that makes me feel good.