Change

Life is about change.  We can't get away from that. Nor should we want to.

I have not posted a blog since May 2012.  Since that time I have been struggling to find a theme for my writing.  I miss writing.  I miss sharing my thoughts with others.  So I asked myself  what is my life really about?  And it occurs to me it is about change.  Movement.  Hopefully progression.

Ask my children about my incurable desire to improve myself.  Kate once gave me a book called "One Frog Can Make a Difference, Kermit's Guide to Life in the 90s".  It was a satire on self help books. Very funny but it made me realize how I might be influencing my children perhaps in a negative way. If you look at the books on my book shelf,  most of them are self help, with a little poetry and fiction thrown in.  And as I think about all the books I have read, I wonder if they have made a difference.

I once complained to a therapist that I felt I had made many changes  internally, but none of those changes manifested in outward changes..  I still had a weight problem, I still had a dirty house and I still wasn't writing. I wasn't completing things I started.  I have no idea what he said about that.

Years later I still struggle with that question.  Another question might be do you need to make the internal changes before you see behavioral changes, or can you simply engage in the behavioral changes and skip all the time consuming internal dialog?  But for me, the internal changes have been important.  All in all the changes internally, the changes to thought processes have made me happier, than a clean house might have, or being thin.

I have had three life defining moments,.

The first came in my therapist's office.  He told me I was good at therapy.  That I always came prepared, that I always followed up on things we talked about.  He said he would write down points he wanted to come back to but that I always came back to them on my own and he just had to check them off his list.  I don't know why this was important to me.  But in that moment I had the overwhelming sense that I was O.K. That I was not in some way horribly flawed as a human being.  Later in life I would learn that we are all flawed but that's O.K.  I am not more or less flawed than anyone else.

The second came by way of text.  An old friend repeated something I had said to him a year before.  Again, nothing really important, nothing earth shaking, but again I had this overwhelming feeling that for the first time in my life I was lovable.  My shell had cracked and I could feel love from another person.  Not just from him, but from all the other people in my life as well.

About a year later the third one came  I can't remember the trigger. Again just a sudden feeling that after all this time, at 62 I really did love myself.  That not only could I now feel love from other people, I could feel love from myself, to myself.  More than love, I cherished myself, I am my most favorite person to be with.

And then yesterday possible a 4th. Time will tell.  Something I have struggle with my whole life.  Other people's attention or non attention in no way defines who I am.

But again, all internal changes how ever important, not effecting major behaviors I want to change. Or possibly behavior has changed, but not in areas that can be easily measured.

Things I have changed in my life.  I chose happiness over duty.  (maybe O.K. maybe not O.K.)  I became social again.  I choose more the direction of my life than wait for it to happen.  Certainly important things.

So what is it that I still want to change?  Isn't feeling that I am O.K. not irreparably flawed, that I am loved by others and finally loving myself enough?

Well for one thing, I want to be financially solvent.  Actually I would like to be rich, but right now I will settle for solvent.  I would like to be thin.  And I would like to write a book and have it published, even if it is self published which happens more and more these days.  Those are the major things.  Then there are minor things like taking better care of my teeth, keeping my house cleaner, taking more photographs, getting better at the ukulele.  Oh, one other thing, get a boyfriend.  That one is a little different because I have a little less control over that one.

I have come to be softer on myself.  To give myself more credit for what I do accomplish than for what I don't.  I have stopped beating myself up for not doing things.

In the beginning I talked about all the self help books I have read over my life time.  When I read each one, I think, this is it, this is the answer,  It never is, but I still feel that way each time I read something new (as long as it goes alone with my values and way of thinking).  And it is true of the new book that I am reading called "Mindset, the New Psychology of Success."  Brilliant.  But I will save that for my next blog.  Stay tuned.

Door Ways

I have always been intrigued with door ways and entry ways, both from a photographic perspective and psychological perspective.  The idea of going through a door, choosing one door vs another. 

This first photo is of my doorway.  The one I pass through everyday out into the world and then back home again.  From safety to possibility.  From  isolation to socialization.  The second photo is one I took several years ago when I went to visit Rachel in New Orleans. 

Old Town School of Music

The Old Town School of Music is one of Chicago's most unique cultural centers.  Founded in 1957, Old Town has moved to various locations finally ending up close to me in Lincoln Square.  The school offers both individual and group lessons in many instruments (including djembe) as well as all types of dance classes.  There are now 6600 students that take weekly classes a third being children.  Concerts featuring music from around the world are a daily happening.  Completion of a new building across from the old building in Lincoln Square boasts state of the art in both acoustics and ecology. 

I bring this all up because I am now one of their newest volunteers having gone through the 2 hour orientation yesterday.  As a volunteer I can earn points to use towards classes and concerts.  I can meet new people and there are an awful lot of old guys taking guitar lessons.  A friend who use to take guitar lessons there says it will be like shooting fish in a barrel.  We'll see about that.   Oh yea and I can help the school promote music and culture with in my community. 



In the new building



Part of the new building



Cute guy playing a Dobro.  Sounded great.  Says he has been playing for years.

 Pictures taken with the new camera.



Indian Dinner with a Friend

Today my battery was charged, but hurrying out the door this morning at 6 am, I forgot my camera.  I would have like to have photographed the colorful dishes and sauces at the Indian restaurant where I joined a friend tonight. Instead  I returned home and I threw a couple of objects together with the left over wine that Wesley had brought to dinner.  The funny thing is he doesn't even drink.  A nice rich Bordeaux to compliment the Indian food.  My previous experiences with Indian food left me a little cold, but tonights dishes (we chose the buffet) were all delicious.  I didn't quite understand what I was suppose to do with the sauces even after the explanation but just over rice they were wonderful.  Nothing too spicey.  Everything flavorful.

Early Birthday Gifts

I bought myself an early birthday gift today.  A high end, compact,  point and shoot, Canon, digital camera.  I have been wanting one ever since I lost mine a few years ago at the Lincoln Park Zoo.  I will not be giving up my Canon Rebel with my 6 different lenses.  This camera though, will be much more portable and afford me the opportunity to take daily photos for my blog.

Unfortunately the battery in the new camera had to be charged before I could use it so I was not able to shoot any photos today.  This picture  was taken a few weeks ago in the Chicago loop during my first Photography Meetup.  It is my favorite picture of the day.  He was happy to let us take his picture and of course we all gave him something for the priviledge.  It had started to lightly  rain as we moved on and he began playing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head".

Clematis

I don't have to go far to take photos of my favorite subject, flowers.  I pass this Clematis vine everyday on my way to work or play.  Just a few days ago there were nothing but buds.  I was suprised to find the vine so full this morning.

This spring was very odd as we got 2 weeks of very warm weather in early March.  Spring almost came and went before I had time to notice.  But then it cooled and although many of the flowering trees had come and gone the flowers stayed around for quite a while.  The lilac tree  two doors down that started blooming at the first of April is just now turning brown. I can still find a few tulips and dafodills blooming.  The peonies are coming any day. 

Photo Blog

I met my friend Beth in the hallway at work today.  We had a chance to chat for a little while and Beth told me about her friend who takes photographs everyday and then post the one she likes the best to her blog and writes about it.  A follow up to the 365 day project.  I thought it was a great idea.  And so I am going to try to incorporate my photography and my writing.  Every day?  We'll see.  Today would be a good day to start except I didn't take any photographs if you don't count the one I took with my iPhone and published to my Facebook check in.  But I did take some photos over the weekend when I got to gether with my new photography meetup group.  I will start with one of those.

Chinatown.  Such a different look from the rest of Chicago.  I like Chinatown.  It brings back fond memories of when Susan came to visit.  At that time the shop keepers didn't mind you coming into the store and taking pictures.  Now they all say, "no pictures, no pictures."  Someone in the group suggested it was because photographers block the aisles so paying customers can't get through.  I don't know we didn't ask.  My old friend Michael always liked going to Chinatown, looking for wierd things in the shops.  My dining group just had dinner here the week before.  Eleven of us with bottles of wine and the restaurant couldn't find a cork screw.  And my new friend Wesley immediately ran out to find one to save the day before the bus boy finally came up with one.